Now I'm in Deptford, got a lovely little flat with Kaz... and that's about it at the moment. She's not working, I'm signed off with stress (and gods know when I'll be going back), got f**k all money, her health is getting worse, mine's also getting worse as a result. It just all seems to be going "Pete Tong" (yet a-bloody-gain).
Even though a lot has changed since then - friendships have come and gone, families have been broken and restructured again, friends passing on - it really doesn't seem like it.
Yeah, I'm in a different environment, yeah, I've got my (*coughs* OUR! *coughs*) own place, but I still don't really feel as if I've achieved much. Yes, my stress is a hell of a lot better, I'm smoking less than I used to, but all of that seems kinda... I dunno... mundane? Inconsequential? Dunno the word I'm looking for but basically (apart from the union with Kaz) there doesn't seem to be a whole lot of change or happiness.
Possibly (probably) being distracted by all the negative shite, but even still...
I just want our chance to be happy. I want our nice little place in the country, a car, a couple of dogs and cats. I'm not asking for much, I just want to be able to actually RELAX for once, instead of worrying about this and that.
I know everyone has worries and fears in life, but to the extent of "is she ever going to be well again"? It seems sickeningly ironic that me and my sister are in pretty much identical situations (her husband is critically ill, no-one knows exactly what's wrong with him, and it could go either way without any warning at all, same as Kaz) yet still can't/aren't talking.
My rents told me that now whenever Lee is suffering (which he has been a hell of a lot recently) that Cathy's off of work. Exactly the same as me. We don't know how things will go with Lee's problem at all. Exactly the same as with Kaz. We're both struggling to carry on living normal lives, yet we still don't talk to each other.
There's something fundamentally wrong there. Fuck what happened in the past between us. I don't give a shit. The fact that I haven't even had a single conversation with Cathy about my fears etc. Hell, we haven't had a single decent conversation for YEARS!!!
I'm really hoping we can sort it out soon as it's obvious we can share something. Yeah, it's not a happy subject but fuck it, I'll take ANYTHING to try and rebuild bridges.
Building bridges; the forefront of my life...
And I've just realised that this is a really depressing post, so I'm gonna end it here before I have people reaching for the bleach!!
