The Return of Pan

Day 6

2011-04-20T21:19:00.001+01:00

Wasted a beautiful day (hottest of the year so far) driving to and from King's College Hospital for an appointment which was apparently two and a half hours before the time we thought it was.

I think I did pretty well keeping calm, considering the traffic and heat.

Also discovered that having energy drinks whilst in the early stages of taking antidepressants really doesn't help! Crashed harder than usual and rather than just physical it was mental as well.

And last bit of 'fun'; Kaz's parents have decided (again) that they're not coming to the wedding. Getting soooo tired of this. Wish they'd make up their minds.
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Day 5

2011-04-19T12:31:00.000+01:00

I've got inspiration to do things but my drive is diminishing even more. Highly infuriating as mentally I want to get on and do creative stuff, but my body is saying "I'm too tired/cant be arsed".

Eg. Started reading about UnrealEd again as have recently started playing Unreal Tournament again and want to design more levels. Have many ideas of things I want to try out, recreating known local places, trying out skyboxes (something I still haven't properly mastered) but as much as I want to do it, I just can't drag myself to doing it.

Long!!!
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Day 2

2011-04-17T00:32:00.001+01:00

Kinda flat most of today. A couple of laughs. Minor tricks of the eye, eg seeing a cat where there wasn't one, clothes hanging on a chair looking like a person for a second.

Old school PC gaming and a bit of Dead Rising 2 seemed to help as a thing to concentrate on.

Still feel massively tired. Hopefully I get a good lay in tomorrow.
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The REAL day 1

2011-04-15T12:16:00.001+01:00

Went to the GPs, been prescribed Fluoxetine Hydrochloride, aka Prozac. Apparently the next three weeks will be shitty hell but then I should start feeling a bit better.

Will try to post daily with updates, more for my own records so I can look back in the future and *hopefully* see an improvement.
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Saving myself or saving others?

2011-03-29T18:47:00.001+01:00

Did a big thing today and cleared out a load of people from my friends list on Facebook. I did it not because I dislike them, but because I don't wanna fill up peoples news feeds with negativity.

If anyone does ask, please explain this to them.

Pan
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

One thing...

2011-03-28T22:45:00.003+01:00

That's all I asked for, one thing: to not have to go out go get dinner as I'd been running around like a dickhead for fuck knows how long and just wanted one evening in relaxing.

What happened?

I had to go out and get dinner.

Yes, she's ill. Yes, she's in pain, but that's why I run around for her. Just one tiny, little thing I wanted her to do and she wouldn't do it. I hate to use the word but "selfish" comes to mind...

Living for myself...

2011-03-28T17:32:00.003+01:00

...something which I feel I'm not doing.

I feel so limited by our situation. I'm trying to stop myself from thinking things like "I can't wait until we can afford to..." as that's normally followed up by something very expensive which we would've been able to afford when we were working, but obviously with things the way they are, those wishes will NEVER be achieved.

Which brings on the next question:

If I can't live for myself, what's the point?

Yeah, I'm doing a great thing caring for Kaz, sticking by her through all of the crap we've suffered, going against my promise to myself about never having a kid, but when I don't seem to be getting anything from it (as in being able to do things that I enjoy), then what's the point?

It's kinda like having a job that you don't really like, but you do it because you have to work, but at the end of the month you don't actually get a salary for it. Therefore, there's actually no point in doing that job, is there?

Lots of people have been telling me to focus on myself, do the things I like to do, but that's exactly the problem; I can't...

Am I just starting to be selfish now? (not a rhetorical question, would really appreciate some response from this)

Mead = good

2011-03-22T15:01:00.001Z

Just done half a bottle of Moniak in 15mins. Starting to feel a bit better even though I'm quite pissed.

God that took a long time to type correctly.
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Day 3 pt 2

2011-03-22T14:42:00.000Z

Questions Kaz keeps on asking me:

- Are you sure you want to marry me?
- Are you sure that staying with me is the best thing for you?
- I'm ruining your life. Why are you staying with me?

Asking these questions to someone with fairly large psychological problems is not a smart thing to do. It seems like she's trying to get me to leave her. What the fuck do I say to that?!

Tried to speak to the doc again but found out that she's gone home. Going to ask about antidepressants. I don't want to feel this way any more, but I don't want worse negative and suicidal thoughts. The state I'm in at the moment, if I started taking them then I probably would end up offing myself.

Already started mentally planning the goodbye note I'd leave for people.

Fuck, I need help...
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

Day 3

2011-03-22T11:48:00.001Z

Just been to see the doctor, she's gonna try and sort out some therapy for me.

Apparently I AM a good person because I feel remorse for the bad things I did/do. Find it hard to believe that, otherwise I wouldn't act the way I do. *shrugs*

Either way its gonna be a long and painful ride. Was offered antidepressants but turned them down; I'm already dependent on one substance, don't need to add others into the mix.
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Day 2 pt 4

2011-03-21T22:56:00.001Z

Just been told that I should seriously think about if I want to be with Kaz or not, let alone marry her.

Oh, and apparently we should go on a week long break so that I can work out if I'll be better off without her.

Three letters: WTF?
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Day 2 pt 3

2011-03-21T21:20:00.001Z

Can hear Kaz changing Em, being all happy with Em squealing and giggling. I feel like I want to off myself. Making me feel so much worse.
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Day 2 pt 2

2011-03-21T21:13:00.001Z

Em was sitting in her bouncy chair and was staring at me. I asked her why was she staring at me. Kaz turned her chair away from me and said "There, now she can't stare at you".

I think that unhinged something. Started getting muscle twitches all over my body, breathing's become quite irregular, feel like crushing my glasses in my hand. Want to break something.

Walked out of the house, walked 10m up the road to come to a halt for 5mins, realising that I had nowhere to go.

Calling the docs in the morning. I need help.
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Day 2

2011-03-21T20:55:00.001Z

Another very long day and its still nowhere near over. Had a couple of people offering me support which was really nice. You know who you are and I thank you hugely.

Bad parts of today:
- arguments with Kaz
- not knowing what to do when Em cries
- feeling more detached from Em (worst part)
- people pissing me off whilst shopping
- found out that the loan we took out and was paying back via my IS may not have actually had any money put into it even though my IS was reduced for a while
- arseholes parking in disabled spaces without blue badges
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One year later (almost)

2011-03-21T00:04:00.001Z

I can't believe its happened again. Another damned year.

So what's been going on? Well obviously Emily was born in Oct '10, still healthy as ever, I'm still working as Kaz's full time carer and Kaz's still getting worse, now may be looking at her having Fibromyalgia, and if she has then the rate of deterioration has been terrifying.

She now can't open bottles of fizz, she can't use a pepper/salt mill, she can't play Guitar Hero any more, any longer than 5mins laptop use and she's complaining of pain. She *can* drive but it gives her loads of pain. She can't get the buggy in and out of the car without help. She can't ride a bike any more. She can't walk unaided... The list goes on.

I can't help but feel petrified of the future - is she ever going to get better? Hell, even stabilising wouldn't be too bad, as long as things didn't get worse. Which leads onto the next question; what if things *do* continue to get worse? How long until she's in a wheelchair? How long until she gives up? And then if the unthinkable happens, how the flying fuck am I gonna be able to look after Em? Hell, how the fuck am I supposed to look after MYSELF??

I'm praying that Kaz gets taken off of the work related focus group - even if I can get a shitty £22k job, I'd still be able to afford keeping us living comfortably. If the government decide that they think that she *can* go back into work, we're fucked. There's no way Kaz can get back into work at the moment. And that would mean that I'd need to be earning around £35k to keep us solvent. No fucking way could I earn that much.

I need to book an appointment with the docs to get some more psychiatric help. My mental health the past year has been getting worse (as has my physical) - my cannabis consumption has shot up to an eighth (now roughly 1.5 - 2g) a day. We can't afford it on top of the wedding so I've had to try and stop smoking it outright.

And boy, is this gonna be a challenge. At the end of day one (waiting til my brain decides that its tired) and its been a very long day already. Patience is next to nil, and very little interest in anything, including Emily...

I feel so much hate and resentment that it makes me feel ill. I resent Kaz getting ill. I resent her boss firing her. I resent having to stop working and care for her. I resent having a child. I resent having to stop smoking, the one fairly stable thing in my life. I resent everyone who's having an easy time at the moment. I'm hating my life and the future seems soooo bleak. Been having some pretty dark thoughts over the past year.

Hopefully this psychotherapy will help with these emotions *crosses fingers etc*, if not then this is surely a one way path to self destruction.

Either way, there's nothing I can do about it right now, it being 0004hrs in the morning. Suppose I should try to sleep (again).

Wish me luck!
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

Fuck the solicitors...

2010-03-29T15:30:00.004+01:00

Well we've just had some fucking fantastic news.

Our solicitors (can't put name up for fear of libel but SORELY WISHES TO) have just informed us that they won't be representing us as the other side doubts that:

a) Kaz is actually disabled (even though she has a blue badge, freedom pass, doctors notes, hospital notes, consultants/hepetologist's notes etc)

b) This whole change of contract thing (part of the court case) isn't a valid point.

Because of those reasons (and because they can't guarantee that they will get any money out of this), OUR FUCKING SOLICITORS AREN'T GOING TO REPRESENT US...

This is PURE FUCKING BULLSHIT because of the following:

OF COURSE THE OTHER SIDE IS GOING TO DISPUTE THESE FACTS, THIS IS THE WHOLE FUCKING REASON THIS COURT CASE IS HAPPENING!!!!

WE HAVE PROOF THAT KAZ IS DISABLED!!! HOW THE FUCK COULD SHE HAVE A BLUE BADGE WITHOUT HAVING ALL THE MEDICAL PAPERWORK TO BACK IT UP?!?

I'm seriously starting to loose sight of the reason for bothering to push myself to do anything any more. Every single step has lead to us being shat upon, lied to, cheated out of money/work/entitlements and I've seriously had enough.

I know it's not a very pagan thing to do or say, but I'm PRAYING to the gods that all people against us on this case will suffer. Suffer long and hard. Not death, that's too good for those cunts. I want them to be in pain. I want them to know what it's like to feel like everything's against them. I want members of their families to start coming down with incurable diseases, that they hit massive financial hardships and have to start thinking about alternative living/financial arrangements.

And when that day comes, I want to be standing in front of them so that I can laugh in their fucking faces.

...maybe I shouldn't do any magick for a while...

One exceedingly pissed off Pan...

Selfishness

2009-09-22T22:10:00.002+01:00

I know it sounds selfish but I'm sure that people are forgetting that I'm suffering just as much as (if not more than) Kaz.

I desperately want to talk to people about how I'm feeling, what's going on in my head, but I really don't want to;

a) Bum people out when I speak to them

b) Bore them about my/Kaz's problems

c) Because of the above two, make them want to avoid talking to me

What should I do?

Random blah

2009-09-20T15:39:00.003+01:00

I wanna fall to sleep,

Sleep for a thousand years,

Sleep my way through the hard times,

Sleep my way through the stress.

When I wake I want to be reborn,

No memories of that which plagues me,

A new identity, a new life,

A new set of hopes and dreams.

Why can't I go to sleep?

Why must I stay awake all the time?

Won't someone please help me doze off?

Fate: shitting on the good ones

2009-08-22T16:56:00.002+01:00

Well I went to get my bike so that Kaz and I could go and collect her new one from Halfords and ride back together, only to discover that some fucking CUNT has stolen it. Cut through the lock with a fucking hacksaw.

I swear, if I ever catch the fucker, they're not gonna have a face left. I will take extreme pleasure in smashing their face into a wall or the floor until its a bloody, gloopy pile of mess.

Which leads me to think; what the fuck is the point?

Seriously, every single time things start to look even the slightest bit positive (or whenever I accept our situation) something hatelse happens to remind me that I'm fucking cursed.

Am I cursed? Or does everyone else go through the same thing? I really do understand that everyone has problems, but it seems to me through talking to my mates that no-one else has runs of bad luck as much as Kaz and I do.

I'm finding it so fucking hard to stay positive it's unbelievable. I can't even say "Well at least we've got our health"...

Two years ago...

2009-08-21T22:07:00.002+01:00

Well, what can I say? Two years ago I had just been recently dumped by Kate (tried to get in touch with her a few times just to see how her nursing is going but no response there...), forcing the three-way to be ended, had no idea where I was going at all. Was working in Snopake, if I hadn't already moved over to RW Communications by then.

Now I'm in Deptford, got a lovely little flat with Kaz... and that's about it at the moment. She's not working, I'm signed off with stress (and gods know when I'll be going back), got f**k all money, her health is getting worse, mine's also getting worse as a result. It just all seems to be going "Pete Tong" (yet a-bloody-gain).

Even though a lot has changed since then - friendships have come and gone, families have been broken and restructured again, friends passing on - it really doesn't seem like it.

Yeah, I'm in a different environment, yeah, I've got my (*coughs* OUR! *coughs*) own place, but I still don't really feel as if I've achieved much. Yes, my stress is a hell of a lot better, I'm smoking less than I used to, but all of that seems kinda... I dunno... mundane? Inconsequential? Dunno the word I'm looking for but basically (apart from the union with Kaz) there doesn't seem to be a whole lot of change or happiness.

Possibly (probably) being distracted by all the negative shite, but even still...

I just want our chance to be happy. I want our nice little place in the country, a car, a couple of dogs and cats. I'm not asking for much, I just want to be able to actually RELAX for once, instead of worrying about this and that.

I know everyone has worries and fears in life, but to the extent of "is she ever going to be well again"? It seems sickeningly ironic that me and my sister are in pretty much identical situations (her husband is critically ill, no-one knows exactly what's wrong with him, and it could go either way without any warning at all, same as Kaz) yet still can't/aren't talking.

My rents told me that now whenever Lee is suffering (which he has been a hell of a lot recently) that Cathy's off of work. Exactly the same as me. We don't know how things will go with Lee's problem at all. Exactly the same as with Kaz. We're both struggling to carry on living normal lives, yet we still don't talk to each other.

There's something fundamentally wrong there. Fuck what happened in the past between us. I don't give a shit. The fact that I haven't even had a single conversation with Cathy about my fears etc. Hell, we haven't had a single decent conversation for YEARS!!!

I'm really hoping we can sort it out soon as it's obvious we can share something. Yeah, it's not a happy subject but fuck it, I'll take ANYTHING to try and rebuild bridges.

Building bridges; the forefront of my life...

And I've just realised that this is a really depressing post, so I'm gonna end it here before I have people reaching for the bleach!!

Yet another "normal" Friday

2009-08-21T21:48:00.002+01:00

Took part in Faith and Dean's handfasting today (congrats to you both!), was a really nice ceremony, held in Virginia Waters near Thorpe.

Lovely weather (apart from the couple of spots of rain), Faith looked amazing and Kaz, Jon, Shell and myself were both Ludo pieces AND Teletubbies (apparently)!

Just at home now, tried to go to sleep about an hour ago, failed miserably so got up. Kaz is probably asleep now, so just sat in the front room drumming my fingers wondering what to do.

Fun, fun, fun...

Up Diarrhea Drive

2009-08-13T13:19:00.005+01:00

Those of you who know our current situation know that it's not a

happy one.

I'm (not so) quietly going mad here. I'm not the sort of person who

can just sit by idly whilst problems get worse and worse, yet

apparently that's the only thing I can do at the moment.

I can't stop myself from panicking, from freaking out about

possibilities. It seems like the only fix will take at least a couple of

months to actually happen, and I really don't know if I can last that

long.

I can't understand how some people can remain so fucking calm

throughout major problems like this. How do other people do it?

I could use the time to go out and do some photography, but my

mind can't focus on "pretty things" whilst it's screaming at me about

our current problems. I can't get over the fact that there's literally

nothing we can do. It makes me feel sick.

If anyone can suggest ways to keep my mind occupied (and it's gotta

be REALLY occupied) then please pass them forward.

Yours freaked,

Pan

I'm back, bitches!

2009-04-15T10:25:00.004+01:00

Yes, that's right!

For some reason my work has decided that it would be a good idea to release blogspot.com from their blocked list on the proxy server.

Fuck knows why, but hey, I'm not going to complain!!

So what's been happening? In the long and short of things, not much... Not much at all... Kaz is still getting over her liver problems, I'm still striving to do more magick (and hopefully will be doing some at the end of the month!), Gary's still coming round ours quite frequently (which is cool).

Got a new 360 as well 'cause of the disc drive in mine going FUBAR - quite fun doing GTA4 in the same room with someone! Also recently got PGR4 and DiRT (as recommended by Jon Potts), and they're fucking awesome games! I may do a review on them later - if I can be bothered..!

Also installed Shozu on my mobile to upload photos and vids straight to Flickr; very useful tool and avoids having to upload via a PC or laptop each time!

Speaking of Flickr, loads more pics there and I've also started to organise them into sets.

Follow the link below to view my photos!

http://www.flickr.com/photos/misterpan/sets/

Also went on Facebook for a little while a couple of days ago - been fucking AGES since I've used that. Needless to say my session on there mosty comprised of taking the piss out of Fish, but then again what else is new? *grins*

Oh yes!

Last bit of exciting news (and Gemma, I'm sorry for screaming about this but I'm REALLY excited); I'M GOING TO SEE QI GET RECORDED ON MY BIRTHDAY!!!

HELL YEEEAAAHHHHH!!

:D

Pan

6 days til Yule...

2008-12-15T16:52:00.003Z

... and I've done sod all Pagan-wise pretty much all year.

This could also explain what's missing from my life. I know that I was a lot happier when I used to be with the other Pagans/Wiccans, doing meditations, practicing skills and even just generally hanging out with them!

I must vow to myself to be a "better Pagan" next year. I really do want to do more esoteric stuff, try to get more control over my mind and spirituality.

Fingers crossed, eh?

lolspeak; another way to celebrate stupidity...

2008-12-15T11:04:00.003Z

Technically I think this should also go onto "screamingpan" as well because this will turn into a rant...

What the living FUCK is this "lolspeak" all about?

I did a search on Google images this morning for "mouse" and saw a picture from "icanhascheezburger.com"; one of these stupid effing "lolcat" pics...

Which got me researching (damn you Google!!) into the whole lolcat/lolspeak phenomenon.

And after reading through several posts and sites explaining what it all means, I'm still left with saying "What the FUCK is that all about?!".

Take this for example. These messages were left on icanhascheezburger.com against a picture of a ginger cat, not looking very impressed with a blue and white checked bow around its neck with the caption "DEATH... Wears a cute little bow".

And these are some of the messages;

"Lukk owt hyooman"

"We awl waitin foar new poastwif bayted bref!Toona bayted purrhaps?Happee nawt sekund to U!"

"Kittehz do nawt need eggstra dekurashun"

"an iz werrin…GING HAM?? o yz, sumwun IZ gonna dii foar dis!!"

Is this what we get for living in a world where Teletubbies are allowed to exist? Several generations (I have checked some of the profiles and there are people in their THIRTIES typing like this) of society communicating in grammatically nightmarish ways?

And we wonder why kids these days are stupid? Try taking a look at yourselves...

Schizoid

2008-12-10T14:03:00.004Z

This game was suggested to be by Shiv, and I must say...

... it fucking rocks!!!!

Schizoid is a crazy, mad, brain-fuck cum motor-function fuckup of a game!!

The goal is simple; there's two ships on screen, one red and one blue. You have to "eat" the enemies of your colour whist avoiding enemies of the opposite colour. Sounds simple? Yes and no...

Admittedly I haven't played it that much, but what I have played I'm seriously impressed with. A very, very addictive game which will have you screaming in frustration, especially in Uberschizoid mode where you control both the blue and red ships.

If you enjoy games such as Rez, Every Extended Extra Extreme (E4), Feeding Frenzy and various others of that type, definitely download the demo and give it a go.

I think this is one that I will have to buy the full game of once I've got a bit of cash!

bend Vista over, insert Red Alert disc

2008-12-08T11:04:00.002Z

Really chuffed with myself. Managed to get Red Alert (the original version, non-XP or Vista compliant) running on a Vista machine!

Also managed to LAN up the Vista laptop and XP PC, did a bit of fiddling around and now got LAN multiplayer up and running! FUCK YEAH!!

Had my arse handed to me several times last night by Kaz (she's a RA player, I'm more Tiberian Sun), gotta get her back!

I'll update this post later when I'm back home and put links to the files and patches I used.

Run bitch, run!

2008-12-08T10:34:00.004Z

Got Mirror's Edge on Friday evening. Kaz, Gary and myself played through it, completed it on Sunday (might've even been Sat night).

It's a really fun game, can be very, very intense at parts, but the actual game is just too sodding short.

I can see me playing through the time trials a few times (although some of the target times seem a bit unrealistic; they claim that you can run through the penultimate chapter in 6mins - it took Gary 30mins..!) but apart from that I think it's one of those games which could become boring very quickly.

Worth renting, for sure, but if you're a hardcore dedicated plater, you may be disappointed by how quickly it can be completed.

(However I must note that it gave me some awesome freerunning dreams!)

No more gChat for Mr Pan...

2008-12-08T10:32:00.002Z

Just come in this morning to discover that the ports have been blocked again...

*sighs*

Getting bored of this...

No more gChat for Mr Pan..?

2008-12-05T09:06:00.002Z

... or maybe not!

I think... *looks over his shoulder, leans forwards and lowers his voice*

... I think they've opened the ports the chat channel uses... Shhh! Don't tell them!

*grins excitedly*

I'm finally gonna be able to interact with people outside of work within work!!!

:D

Bowling, singing and pulling! (and "The Thrush")

2008-12-01T09:14:00.005Z

Well it's been a funny ol' weekend.

Had le Fish over for the weekend (still there now!), been keeping him cheery and perky (attemptedly) after his breakup.

Been chatting, smoking, introduced him to Magic: The Gathering (and I think I've got him hooked) and went bowling as well on Sunday.

He said he doesn't bowl much because it's "boring". I think it's other people being pissed off at him being so good! His best round was:

Strike, Strike, 1 to half-strike, Strike, Strike, 9 and miss, Strike, Split 6 and 2, Split 8 and miss, 6 to half-strike and 3... Ended with 165 points (beat Kaz by 60 points and me by 100!!).

Then went back to Ruislip to pick up some of his stuff; had a nice journey there, lots of singing and catching the eyes of pretty ladies (sorry Kaz! lol [she already knows about this]), managed to get Gary to pull (with a bit of assistance ;-)), then went to his, he got his stuff, a bit of hanging around, and then the journey back - laughing all the way.

He asked me about whether I'd be a superhero or a supervillain.

Well it's obvious; supervillian. Far less responsibility. You don't see people going "Ooo Magneto! We're dying! Save us!" He'd meerly sneer at you before you die in your horrible epic-action way.

Which lead onto Superman; Superman is the world's bitch... Anyone's got any problems;
- "Superman! Superman! My cat's stuck up a tree!"
- "Don't worry citizen, I shall save it!"

And he has to do it. No callateral damage either.

Which lead on to Gary asking me what powers I would have as a supervillian. I first decided that I would be a god. Easiest thing to be, no complications. And how would I be a supervillian? Simple... I'd waste other superheros' times. Whilst they're trying to save a nuclear reactor from going critical, I'd give them a call (one of my powers is always being able to get in touch with the superhero I want to irritate) and say something like "Superman..... I've run out of milk... Go get some for me..." And my catchphrase? "No superpowers..." So Superman would have to WALK to Tescos, go and get some milk (obviously dressed as Superman) to only discover that because he's Superman and not Clarke Kent, he's left his wallet behind so he'll have to walk back to mine (or even better, beg!) to get some cash!

And this just went on and on and on, finding more ingenious excuses for wasting their times; "Batman........ I've run out of bog roll, can you get me one please?"
"Is it an emergency?"
"Yes! I'm sitting on the bog now!!! I neeeeed it!!"
"*sighs*"

And my supervillian name?

"The Thrush"...

lol...

-- EDIT --

I found a silly little Marvel Create-a-Superhero thing... Here's my first workings for "The Thrush"

Love hurts

2008-11-24T10:19:00.002Z

Been helping someone through a break-up.

Really fucking hurts.

Seeing them like that just reminded me so much of how I was hurt by love. I pray I'll NEVER be in that situation again; I really don't think I could handle feeling that much pain again.

No more gChat for Mr Pan...

2008-11-21T10:26:00.002Z

... and he's fucking brewing about it.

We switched over to a new proxy server at work... gChat is now blocked... permanantly...

I raised a ticket to get it released:

"This has been enabled in the past and is quite useful to quickly message a colleague (who also has gmail) to ask them a question if they're on the phone. (not everyone acknowledges their Outlook new mail popups).

I do not have a direct url or error message, simply gchat stating: "Your Internet connection is experiencing problems or your network administrator has blocked Google Mail chat.""

The response I got?

"Sorry - access to chat is blocked. The chat category has always been blocked however the new service is more up to date than the old hence the reason the feature has now been caught. You can submit a business justification for consideration but this needs to be based on a bussiness requirement rather than personal preference."

What a load of fucking bullshit...

Honestly; the service was avaiable before... Just because you're shitty crap proxy servers aren't smart enough to pick it up, doesn't mean you have the right to close it off now.

I'm really not fucking happy, this was my main contact to the outside world in this shitty place.

Time to look again...

2008-09-29T12:13:00.002+01:00

... at more than one thing!

House; need to get the hell out of the place we're staying in. Bloody building is a death-trap (had the electrician round a couple of nights ago, half of the wiring he described in his own words as "totally illegal"), having some issues with housemates, just want a bit more privacy.

Job; I am getting so f**king annoyed with waisting my sodding time coming in at 8am, probably doing 30-45mins work (very max) before I've cleared out the entire work queue. Then it's just a case of sitting here, waiting for an e-mail or phonecall to come in, raising a ticket, forwarding it on...

That is my job... Boring - MIND NUMBINGLY boring - as hell, don't really socialise with members of the staff here...

It's one of these "dream jobs" that lazy people always have a go at me for complaining about. I'm sorry, but if I'm going to work, then I expect to work, not sit around twiddling my thumbs asking every 10mins if there's something else to do!!!

So yeah, started applying (again) online, hopefully something good will come up.

Until then, it's back to sitting at my desk, yawning my head off and looking up random shit.

The joys of work...

Pan

Waiting for change

2008-09-25T09:39:00.002+01:00

I'm still here, still raising tickets, answering the phone, still letting my mind rot into oblivion, still waiting for my consultant to get back to me (and get me the fuck out of here)...

And it's eating me alive, it really is. I can't carry on working here. I had a guy shadow working me the past two days to learn how to do the job just in case we need him in in an emergency; he had learnt everything he needed by lunchtime on the first day.

Having him sitting with me only highlighted how much I fucking hate this place. I'm sitting here doing sweet fuck all. I shouldn't even have time to update my blog, let alone learn about binaural beats or how to look after a Malamute.

I should be busy, my mind should be engaged with work, but it's all so fucking brainless...

As for moving over onto Problem Management; I'm really, really not interested. It's boring. It's analysing problems and finding out ways to prevent... I don't give a shit about that. Business Management bullshit. Give me a broken computer, I'll fix it, don't ask me to fix your fucking company...

Had a reply back from the agents who are letting the property to us; she's trying to play hardball but she's gonna loose. Stupid cow doesn't realise that although we've signed a contract with her, it's completely void as her company is now operating under a different name with a different business address, different bank details etc.

She's saying that she's also not going to repair several things which are broken in the house either because it's not her responsibility or because it was broken before we moved in (and therefore - according to her - doesn't need to be fixed/replaced).

I've really had enough of that bitch. I want to look for somewhere else to live.

Someone, please just pull me out of this crap..!

Binaural Beats

2008-09-19T15:52:00.016+01:00

Been doing lots of reading in my weakened state (that and having a very quiet day at work).

Read up more about Binaural Beats (frequency modulations which have an effect on brainwaves). Really interesting subject, actually. I borrowed a CD from someone, the artist being "Michael Mantra", the album called "Sonic Altar".

It was a sort of background noise feel to it with sounds of the sea, rainfall, there was a section with a thunderstorm, and all throughout was a sort of chanting (I think that the voices were used to create the beat frequency).

Anyway, I'll put a bit of blurb up here followed by a link to the Wiki article. Worth a read if you're interested in how the brain works.

-------------------------
Perceived human hearing is limited to the range of frequencies from 20 Hz to 20,000 Hz, though Infrasound - sound below 20Hz - still have scientifically observable effects on humans, however, it is not readily audible, especially at low volume levels.

When the perceived beat frequency corresponds to the delta, theta, alpha, beta, or gamma range of brainwave frequencies, the brainwaves entrain to or move towards the beat frequency.

For example, if a 315 Hz sine wave is played into the right ear and a 325 Hz one into the left ear, the brain is entrained towards the beat frequency (10 Hz, in the alpha range). Since alpha range is associated with relaxation, this has a relaxing effect or if in the beta range, more alertness. An experiment with binaural sound stimulation using beat frequencies in the Beta range on some participants and Delta/Theta range in other participants, found better vigilance performance and mood in those on the awake alert state of Beta range stimulation.

Binaural beat stimulation has been used fairly extensively to induce a variety of states of consciousness, there has been some work done in regards to the effects of these stimuli on relaxation, focus, attention, and states of consciousness. Studies have shown that with repeated training to close frequency sounds that a plastic reorganization of the brain occurs for the trained frequencies and is capable of asymmetric hemispheric balancing.

{{Why the hell is it so bloody hard to insert a table into this sodding blog?!?}}

Frequency Range	Name	Usually associated with:
> 40 Hz	Gamma waves	Higher mental activity, including perception, problem solving, fear and consciousness
13-40 Hz	Beta waves	Active, busy or anxious thinking and active concentration, arousal, cognition
7-13 Hz	Alpha waves	Relaxation (while awake), pre-sleep and pre-wake drowsiness
4-7 Hz	Theta waves	Dreams, deep meditation, REM sleep
< 4 Hz	Delta waves	Deep dreamless sleep, loss of body awareness

{{it took me over half an hour to try and insert this sodding table. NOTE FOR PEOPLE WHO WANT TO PUT HTML TABLES INTO THEIR BLOGS: Make sure the code for your table has NO LINE BREAKS in them (in notepad with Word Wrap off, should be one long line of coding)}}

Man flu

2008-09-19T15:52:00.004+01:00

I've got a cold...

Been fucking ages since I've had a cold...

Can't actually remember the last time I had a cold... Must've been over a year ago...

My throat hurts...

Fucking hate having colds...

(FYI, women; I'm still at work, I'm not shirking off of my duties, I'm just moaning)

Bloody "man flu" bollocks...

The Cost of Health

2008-09-18T12:25:00.003+01:00

This is rediculous...

We discovered how much Kaz's meds are going to cost her (they've told her that they're not going to give her any more free medication):

The steroids are £7.10 a box. One box will last Kaz a day and a half.

So take the number of days in a year and divide it by how many days a box lasts her (365 /1.5) which gives us 243.33(rec) prescription renewals.

Times that by the cost of a box (243.33 x 7.10) gives us a yearly outgoing for her steroids of £1,727.66.

Anyone else think thats f**king rediculously expensive?

Hit me with your rhythm sticks!

2008-09-15T15:33:00.003+01:00

Hit me! Hit me!
Je t'adore, ich liebe dich,
Hit me! hit me! hit me!

*shakes his head to clear the embolism*

Sorry... Blame my father...

Aaaaanyway, played in the Thames Festival yesterday (Sun 14th Sept), was a good laugh actually (apart from all of the crowds [fucking hate pedestrians...]), the parade was a bit long to start off and we had a couple of minor problems with the sound system, but apart from that was quite enjoyable!

Got photos uploaded already, check them out here:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/misterpan/72157607302387601/

Well done to everyone who took part.

(1hr 48mins remaining)

Pan

Anonymous Users

2008-09-12T14:34:00.002+01:00

This is a message singularly for the user who has been posting on my blog under the name "Anonymous".

Listen (or read, if you want to be anal about it), if you'd read my latest post then you would see that I have admitted my mistake (even though I still believe that the person who created that hoax had far too much time on their hands).

The one thing I do object to is anyone leaving anonymous posts. Obviously your amazing intellect has allowed you to come up with the idea of creating a user account with the name of anonymous therefore making yourself void to the anonymous posting rule (I applaud you, congratulations).

What I'm starting to wonder now is why you have to post as an anonymous user instead of having the guts (or decency, whichever walk of life you're from) to actually say who you are?

The only thing that I can think of is that you don't want to put yourself under target to a barrage of insults and abuse (which personally I don't actually have the time or energy for).

Anyway, to my point:

Anonymous posts = deletion (no matter how smart you think you're being)

If you want to point the finger and laugh, feel free, all of my mates would tell you that I'm the first person to admit if I've made a mistake (which I already have if you'd read my latest post [kind of ironic when you think about it, considering you were ripping into me for not reading an entire post correctly]), but if you're gonna do it, don't cower behind an anonymous name.

Pan

Kill me...

2008-09-12T12:06:00.002+01:00

You know things are bad when you're sitting at your desk, whistling the Windows XP start-up tune...

I admit that I'm wrong...

2008-09-12T09:20:00.002+01:00

OK, ok, ok...

So I've been - what's the expression - RickRoll'd?

Basically I've been made a fool of by some little tosser who's got far too much time and money on his hands (and obviously quite a few issues with religion to actually imitate someone with such strong opinions).

I am of course talking about this Antispore site.

One thing that did make me chuckle was that a couple of people left posts on my blog, one being anonymous (removed because of that fact), the other having a closed profile, no doubt to try and protect himself from any abuse!

Now I admit that I was wrong, but surely leaving posts saying "AHHHH!!! YOU GOT RICKROLL'D!!!" or whatever bollocks they've said, is lowering yourself not just to my standards, but below it? The fact that you have to make yourselves feel big, good and clever by slating someone for being sucked in to a hoax.

You two people (Anonymous [should you ever read this] and DisGamer) would maybe find more enjoyment by watching me possibly post more messages onto the Antispore blog, you may even find some of it amusing.

Anyway, once more, YES, I WAS WRONG.

Antispore

2008-09-11T15:28:00.004+01:00

This woman has just put up another fantastic post which I've taken much enjoyment out of ripping it apart and examining each statement. See if you agree...

She said:

I think part of the problem that is going on here is that the bulk of you are ignorant as to the word of God. I don’t have these beliefs just because I want to, I have them because they are the beliefs that I was raised in. I understand that everyone didn’t have the chance to be taught these things, and learn about God as my family did so if I am going to have this kind of attention I should use it to help teach others about the words of God that helped to shape me into the woman I am today.

Everyone I am sure knows the passage that in the beginning God created heaven and earth. But there is more then just this one that people remember.

In Genesis 1:2 there is more talk about God’s work. “And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.”

So it’s clear that Earth was made by God’s hand, not science. From this God moved to creating all the creatures, notice there is never talk of creatures ‘evolving’ into other creatures, instead God is able to make the creatures as he will including man.

In Genesis 1:25-27 “25. God made the wild animals according to their kinds, the livestock according to their kinds, and all the creatures that move along the ground according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good. 26. Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.” 27. So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.”
People of science claim that the Earth is the way it is because of millions of years of time and science effecting it. But we are taught and believe that our world is this way and has the aged look because of the flood of Noah. It was the waters covering the Earth on such a grand scale that caused the aging that people of science claim as proof.

But in the Bible we are told in Genesis 6:7 “So the LORD said, “I will wipe mankind, whom I have created, from the face of the earth–men and animals, and creatures that move along the ground, and birds of the air–for I am grieved that I have made them.””

But the Bible teaches us that God was not done with man. For we were His creation and He then spoke to Noah in Genesis 8:21-27 after the flood. “21. The LORD smelled the pleasing aroma and said in his heart: “Never again will I curse the ground because of man, even though every inclination of his heart is evil from childhood. And never gonna give you up. 22. “Never gonna let you down.” 23.”Never gonna run around and desert you.” 24. “Never gonna make you cry.” 25. “Never gonna say goodbye.” 26. “Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you.” 27.”Never truly believe anything you read on the Internet. There will always be cases of Poe’s Law.”

It’s these teachings that I’ve spent my life learning, believing and becoming, that have made me the woman that I am today.

I say:

Mr Pan on 11 Sep 2008 at 10:16 am 167

You really have left me with no choice… Brace yourself.

I will now point out some vital huge errors in your latest post:

Genesis 1:2 “And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.”
- The earth had a name, and it had a face. It existed, god just meerly gave it a more humbled appearance

Genesis 1:25 “God made the wild animals according to their kinds, the livestock according to their kinds, and all the creatures that move along the ground according to their kinds.”
- By using the words “according to their kinds”, that indicates that they already had existed or had been conceived to have existed and had preset behavioural patterns that god could not influence

Genesis 1:25 “…And God saw that it was good”
- If he saw that it was good then why did he have to destroy everything with the great flood?

Genesis 1:26 “Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth”
- Man to rule over the earth, not god (and god said that so it must be true…)

Genesis 1:27 “So God created man in his own image”
- So I was right about god being a horrible, cruel person. After all, look at what humanity has done to itself and the world we live in. Surely this isn’t the work of a god, more of a devil… Is god really Satan?

Genesis 6:7 “So the LORD said, “I will wipe mankind, whom I have created, from the face of the earth–men and animals, and creatures that move along the ground, and birds of the air–for I am grieved that I have made them.””
- So he really must’ve been wrong when he said in Genesis 1:25 “And God saw that it was good” I thought god was never wrong..? Also, if as the bible states “God created man in his own image”, he must hate himself seeing that he essencially destoyed himself, as we were an image of god?

Genesis 8:21 “The LORD smelled the pleasing aroma and said in his heart: “Never again will I curse the ground because of man, even though every inclination of his heart is evil from childhood.”
- But if we were made in god’s image, surely it is god himself who’s heart is evil and not our own?

I think I’m starting to work out a lot more how this god bloke works…

Spore is "the work of the devil" (apparently)

2008-09-11T11:03:00.004+01:00

OK, I don't normally do this, but I really need to rip into this site (and welcome you to do likewise).

EA recently released an absolutely genius idea for a game called "Spore" where you start off as a single celled organism and evolve your way through to the space age and beyond.

One of my mates sent me a link to this site, and it really does sadden/scare me how extreme religious people can be...

http://antispore.com/

***UPDATE***

I posted something on antispore.com; I really hope it gets accepted.

"Mr Pan on 11 Sep 2008 at 5:50 am 323
(Your comment is awaiting moderation.)

I can't help but be amused at the Google Ads which are on this blog; any one else noticed that they're advertising Spore to buy online?

Owner of this blog: Do you now believe that Google are in line with Beelzebub and all of his hellish minions in trying to corrupt the world?

Tell me; were you also one of the people who protested about the Harry Potter movies and novels because it "promotes witchcraft" (and if you think *that's* witchcraft then you're in for a shock…)?

I'm also assuming that you're one of those types who thinks that "The DaVinci Code" is "an act that is repulsive to god and man, [and] it shows how the church has compromised with their world system and abandoned the simple truth of the Gospel of Jesus Christ" (or some other pious nonsense like that)?

Does it not say in the bible "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." We are all human and not one of us is free from having sinned in life (not even you); regardless of whether we have been forgiven or not. The only true one who can cast that stone would be god (should he exist).

I'd also like to highlight the lack of capitalisation in the words "god, him, one" etc; this is because I do not believe in your god, and if he did exist, it's a very sad outlook on life that this petty maniacal bastard would punish souls to a lifetime of hellfire and torment simply because they didn't believe in him…"

I'm sorry, but people like that really piss me off...

Anal Cleavage Decent

2008-09-11T09:13:00.003+01:00

Yes, it's exactly as it sounds...

Crackdown; one of the most fun and pointless games I've played on the 360 to date.

Take GTA4, pump a shit-load of steroids into your character, add a rediculous amount of carnage, then add the ability to play the entire game Co-op, Live.

I cannot believe that I missed this game when it came out; apparently it was one of the first few games released onto the 360!

Official Crackdown site

From Wiki:

"Crackdown was conceived by Realtime Worlds' founder, David Jones, who also created Grand Theft Auto and Lemmings.

Set in the fictional Pacific City, the player controls a cybernetically-enhanced Agent, tasked with defeating three crime lords and their organized crime syndicates. The Agent's abilities improve by defeating both crime lords and their supporters, as well as by completing optional activities, such as street races and scavenger hunts. The gameplay is nonlinear: instead of following a rigid mission sequence, players are free to select the approach to completing their missions and activities.

Crackdown, initially planned for release on the original Xbox console, was envisioned as a vast world in which players could experiment and explore freely. Even though this concept was implemented for the Xbox 360 version, playtesters were largely critical of the game, leading Microsoft Game Studios to fear that it would not be well received. To boost sales, Microsoft Game Studios bundled Crackdown with an access code to the multiplayer test version of the much-anticipated Halo 3. At least partially as a result, the game sold 1.5 million copies in its first six months of release. Despite initial concerns, Crackdown received positive reviews and has garnered several awards for its innovative gameplay."

I would seriously recommend everyone tries this game, highly addictive and equally pointless but fun!

Zzzzzzz...

2008-09-08T09:45:00.001+01:00

4 hrs sleep...

One can of Red Bull...

Early shift at work...

*weeps*

Roll on 4pm!

Sodding alarms...

2008-09-05T10:12:00.002+01:00

If it weren't for Kaz, I would've done it again.

I need to move my alarm clock again.

Anyone else get the problem of your body learning the location of your alarm clock and then managing to turn it off without conciously awakening?

Or am I simply a freak..?!

Pan

Kaz and the morning

2008-09-04T12:30:00.002+01:00

Went to see Kaz last night, had a very long talk, a bit of a cry and things seem to be ok now.

Worked out that we're obviously both very stressed at the moment, and unfortunately when we're stressed we're not very good at communicating with each other.

But yeah, left her in a good mood which I'm pleased with.

As for this morning... *shakes head*

Missed all of my sodding alarms, slept right through them and didn't get into the office until 11:30am... So fucking embarrassed (and pissed off) with myself.

Fun, fun, fun...

Can't handle it

2008-09-03T15:17:00.000+01:00

She says that the steroids are giving her really dark thoughts and feelings and that she can't stay in the hospital any more...

I can't do this any more, I really can't.

I'm spent.

Help

By the skin...

2008-09-03T11:24:00.002+01:00

Kaz is back in again, more blood tests, more biopsies...

I dunno what to do... Everyone's telling me to look after myself, which I'm trying to do, but work doesn't really seem that keen to help me.

I've been taking the odd day off every couple of weeks or so simply because I'm pushing myself to the point of physical and mental exhaustion. It's getting so bad now that I'm going to speak to the doctors to see if they can advise me of anything to help me calm down/sleep during the night.

Had yesterday off and came in today. It was mentioned that the IT boss is a bit worried about me taking this time off. They haven't been talking about finding a replacement for me, but if this goes on for much longer then they will have to. Obviously I don't wanna loose my job.

I put up some questions on Yahoo Answers about Kaz's situation; here's the links to them.

Question about Hepatitis testing
Question about Malaria testing

Fortunately this has helped calm my mind a bit, but obviously with things still being unknown, I'm grasping at straws to try and find a solution.

Fingers crossed we'll know something in a couple of weeks...

More on Kaz

2008-08-26T11:06:00.002+01:00

So, Kaz is back home now, has been since Mon 11th August.

We still don't know what's going on, she's still yellow, still itching. On a good note, she has started to go back to work again, starting her 2nd week back today, still eating/drinking with no problems, it's just the damned itching.

She's been trying to get hold of the Royal Free Hospital since she got out to arrange a time and date for a blood test and a chat with her doctor, only to be told time after time that they were "fully booked" (like they're a fucking hotel or something...). Over half a dozen times she's called them, leaving a message for them to get back with her with a confirmed time with her doctor, and sweet FA is being done about it.

This week we're hoping to get her an appointment with a Hospital of Tropical Infectious Diseases, see if they can tell us anything more. We were told at both Newham General and Royal Free that she was definitely clear of Hepatitis A, B, C and Malaria. Upon doing research and posting items up on different medical forums, we've recently discovered that it takes up to two months, sometimes longer, for the cultures to properly grow and come back with conclusive evidence, so how Newham General cleared them out within a week is beyond me.

In other news, it was our 11 month anniversary yesterday, went to the cinema to watch "Wall-E". Surprisingly good! Won't give anything away, save that a little robot actually manages to save the human race (long story but worth it!).

Work's been going ok, been busy with updating the intranet site. That's nearly done now, so gods know what I'll be doing next!

Anyway, back to the fun of the office.

Peace!

Pan

Update on the Update on the Kaz...

2008-08-04T16:51:00.002+01:00

Hey all,

Just found out it's all a load of bollocks, she hasn't got Auto-Immune Hepatitis, they don't know what's wrong with her, and it doesn't look like she will be going home on Wednesday...

Joy, joy, effing joy...

A very tiredPan

Update on the Kaz!

2008-08-04T09:58:00.002+01:00

Hey all,

It's been an absolutely shattering couple of weeks, but it looks as if Kaz is finally starting to get better!

She has now officially been diagnosed with Auto-Immune Hepatitis. As the name implies, this means that her own body (for whatever reason) is rejecting her liver.

However, she's now on steroids, her eating is back to normal, her skin is going back to its normal colour; hopefully I may have her back home by this weekend (Sat 9th Aug)!

I just want to say a massively huge thanks to everyone who has helped me/us out. I really don't know what we would've done without you guys, you all rock!

Anyway, I'm now back at work (falling asleep at my desk!) and trying to get back into a normal rhythm of things. I won't be able to see Kaz much now that she's been moved into a different hospital, so if any of you feel like giving her a call or text, I know it would be greately appreciated!

The Pan

A PROPER update!

2008-07-21T12:53:00.002+01:00

ok... So people want an update...

What can I say? Quite a lot has happened recently.

No longer working at RW Communications, now working as a sub-contractor for Plan Net, currently being employed by CLS in Exchange Harbour; just south of Canary Wharf in the financial district. Doing helpdesk analyst work, and I must admit it's not all that enthralling.

Almost the complete opposite of what I was doing at RW Comms; a call would come in, I'd remote onto their computer, find the problem, fix it, update my call ticket and close it off. Nice and simple.

Here, I don't actually do anything technical at all! A call will come through, I will raise a ticket for it, finding out as much info as I can about what's going on with their system (this is all without remoting on to have a look myself). I then read through my notes, find out which section the ticket needs to be forwarded to (be it IT Admin, IT Tech Support, IT Infrastructure etc. etc. etc.), pass it to them, let them do their bit on it. Once they're done it gets passed back to me. I ask the user if their problem has been sorted. If not, it goes back to whoever, they have to go through it again, try their fix, pass it back to me, I check with user, then hopefully possibly I get to close off the call.

So yeah, a real change to what I was doing!

What else?

Moved into East Ham, into a shared house with Kaz, really enjoying that at the moment! It's nice to be living away from the parents, and the house we're in is so much nicer than the one Kaz was in before! No more cockroaches, no more house smelling of cat pee, no more suspicious bottles of "water" left anywhere; it's such a relaxed atmosphere, it's fantastic! The garden hasn't got any grass, but not too worried about that. Got nice friendly neighbours (did some cat-sitting this weekend which was nice), the only problem is the permanent smell of curry!

Apart from that, there isn't really much else major that's been going on. No holidays, no exciting other stories, just surviving as best as I/we can!

Busy times in the office...

2008-07-18T14:06:00.004+01:00

I'll do a proper blog later on, for now, here's something to put a smile on your faces...

This is what my team gets up to at work (when there's not a lot going on...):

Too funny...

2007-12-06T10:56:00.000Z

Was looking at some random stuff online and found this. I had to put it down here! It's brilliant!!

This is a little story about a conversation between a PC user (the Customer) and Technical Support...

Customer: "About time too. Are you a real person?"
Tech Support: "Yes sir, how can I help you?"
Customer: "I moved some stuff I don't use to the trash and deleted the trash, and now I'm getting all sorts of %&*#ing errors. What are you going to do about it? You've got an accent, haven't you?"
Tech Support: "Yes sir, I'm in Ireland."

It became apparent that the customer, in his wisdom, had destroyed the Windows registry and deleted just about everything he needed to run Windows.

Tech Support: "Sir, I believe we will have to reload your system with its original operating system, as you are presently unable to get into your system due to the necessary files being deleted. Unfortunately you will lose anything added since you purchased the system. Shall I walk you through the reload sir?"
Customer: "You mean I paid $2,000 dollars, and I have to reload this myself?" (rants for fifteen minutes, makes death threats and references to being supported by a third world country) *&@$ing reload! I'll give you a reload!

Bang! Bang!

Tech Support: "Sir, is everything all right?"
Customer: "Sure is. I just blew the $#%&ing thing to bits with my shotgun you *$@%ing &*%$er."
Tech Support: (taking a satisfying long breath) "Sir, I would like to advise you at this point that gunshot damage is not covered under the terms and conditions of your warranty. May I suggest a servicer in your locality to assist in the reassembly of your machine?"
Customer: "$%!# you."

I dissolved into fits of laughter.

Browsing to destruction...

2007-12-06T09:09:00.000Z

Came into work this morning to discover that my password had been changed. Logged in, loaded up my e-mails to receive one from one of my colleagues, saying that I'd had a mass outbreak of spyware appear on my PC.

It's all been cleared out now, but they've got me going back through a proxy server again. The amount that restricts my access to the internet is unbelievable.

Now obviously I'm no idiot; I'm not going to look at any dodgy stuff online whilst at work, so that leaves me with the question; where the hell did I pick up that spyware?!

The sites I'd look at at work; G-mail, TfL, maybe the MET office, that's about it...

Is the internet really that unsafe for us to look at?

The amount of security we have on our networks is unbelievable; Cisco PIXs, Firewalls with built in malware protection, Fireboxes, and still they get through?!

It's a scary world we live in now...

(at least for computers...)

Where have I been?

2007-12-05T10:51:00.001Z

Long time, ten dollar, sucky-sucky!

Well it's been a long time since I've posted on here, and quite a lot has happened...

I'm now in a fantastic relationship with Kaz, one of the girls I had the three-way relationship with and it's going brilliantly. I feel really close to her now - far, far, far closer than I had during the three-way (although not very surprising when you think about it!)

Also started a new job last month; I have finally left the ranks of Snopake Ltd and now working for RW Communications Ltd as a 1st line support engineer! (woo!)

My room is now almost 100% finished; got my nice new double bed, got my flat-screen HDTV, and I've got my 360 Elite. Life is good! Just trying to save as much money as possible for Christmas, also hoping to go to Center Parcs some point just after the new year. There's also been talks about a paintballing trip, if anyone's interested?

The Brothers Potts had a free house for a few weeks. I left my 360 with them for two weeks. I think they nearly came to death over it... Still, can't blame them, it really does kick arse! Halo3, Assassin's Creed, Skate, it's all just so good!

Also started to learn how to play Backgammon. Had a board at my house for years and years but never actually understood the rules. Had Jon Potts and Mike Martini explain the rules whilst I watched them play and now I'm hooked! Been having some excellent games of Othello (AKA Reversi) with Jon as well on our random late-night meet-ups.

Gonna be going to see Kaz in London tonight, hopefully she'll be showing me where the mead shop is, then we'll go to the Trocadero, chill out there for a bit, grab some food then make our ways home!

Really need to try and start getting my driving lessons done; work have offered me a £2k payrise once I've done it. Plus it would also be nice for when Kaz and I want to go and do stuff, for example going to Center Parcs, Avebury, wherever! Even driving across London to see her!

Today's going pretty slow so far... Only taken 17 calls and it's already 11:10am. I dare say it will get busier in the afternoon, but who knows?

Anyway, back to the fun of the phones.

Have fun, all!

The Pan

Finding the right words...

2007-09-11T12:01:00.000+01:00

How can you tell a person that you love them when you're afraid of the way they'll react?

Is it cowardly to just keep quiet, to try and keep things on the status quo?

Do you risk more by not saying it than saying it?

When you have that fear, is that the point when you should just turn around and say no?

Why is every line of this post a question?!

Pan

Nice Guys Come Last...

2007-07-26T11:51:00.000+01:00

It's true, sadly...

I've just come out of what was a fantastic relationship, just to have it turn really messy at the end. Take it from me; three-way relationships are fun, but they take a HELL of a lot of work.

Communication is by far the most important thing. If you're not emotionally mature enough to be able to hear what other people have to say about yourself and not immediately react severely, then you're on the right path.

One thing I've noticed about humans is that they say things to each other and they're completely misunderstood by their peers. Whether this be choice of words, body language that's been incorporated or even just the tone of your voice, it can make such a drastic change. To be able to not accept things for face value is something that I've been working on for several years now, and it has helped me to understand other people, see how they live their lives and how their universe works.

If someone says something hurtful to you, acknowledge the emotional response that it triggered, then step back, look at what was said from their point of view, try to understand it from their perspective. Then discuss with them what they meant, develop on the subject, and there you go, there's one massive emotional outburst avoided and the talking that had taken place should have bought you closer together.

BIOS Beep Codes - Detect your Bios errors

2007-07-25T09:37:00.001+01:00

I was reading up about BIOS beep codes and discovered this... Hopefully some of you may find it useful at some point...

Pan

"When a computer is first turned on, or rebooted, its BIOS performs a power-on self test (POST) to test the system's hardware, checking to make sure that all of the system's hardware components are working properly. Under normal circumstances, the POST will display an error message; however, if the BIOS detects an error before it can access the video card, or if there is a problem with the video card, it will produce a series of beeps, and the pattern of the beeps indicates what kind of problem the BIOS has detected."

Here a few Beep codes are listed. Mainly for AMD motherboards, but also applicable to Intel systems too.

AMI Beep Codes

1 beep - DRAM refresh failure. There is a problem in the system memory or the motherboard.

2 beeps Memory parity error. The parity circuit is not working properly.

3 beeps - Base 64K RAM failure. There is a problem with the first 64K of system memory.

4 beeps - System timer not operational. There is problem with the timer(s) that control functions on the motherboard.

5 beeps - Processor failure. The system CPU has failed.

6 beeps - Gate A20/keyboard controller failure. The keyboard IC controller has failed, preventing gate A20 from switching the processor to protect mode.

7 beeps - Virtual mode exception error.

8 beeps - Video memory error. The BIOS cannot write to the frame buffer memory on the video card.

9 beeps - ROM checksum error. The BIOS ROM chip on the motherboard is likely faulty.

10 beeps - CMOS checksum error. Something on the motherboard is causing an error when trying to interact with the CMOS.

11 beeps - Bad cache memory. An error in the level 2 cache memory.

1 long beep, 2 short - Failure in the video system.

1 long beep, 3 short - A failure has been detected in memory above 64K.

1 long beep, 8 short - Display test failure.

Continuous beeping - A problem with the memory or video

Phoenix Beep Codes

Phoenix uses sequences of beeps to indicate problems. The "-" between each number below indicates a pause between each beep sequence. For example, 1-2-3 indicates one beep, followed by a pause and two beeps, followed by a pause and three beeps. Phoenix version before 4.x use 3-beep codes, while Phoenix versions starting with 4.x use 4-beep codes.

4-Beep Codes :

1-1-1-3 Faulty CPU/motherboard. Verify real mode.

1-1-2-1 Faulty CPU/motherboard.

1-1-2-3 Faulty motherboard or one of its components.

1-1-3-1 Faulty motherboard or one of its components. Initialize chipset registers with initial POST values.

1-1-3-2 Faulty motherboard or one of its components.

1-1-3-3 Faulty motherboard or one of its components. Initialize CPU registers.

1-1-3-2 Failure in the first 64K of memory.
1-1-3-3 Failure in the first 64K of memory.
1-1-3-4 Failure in the first 64K of memory.

1-1-4-1 Level 2 cache error.

1-1-4-3 I/O port error.

1-2-1-1 Power management error.

1-2-1-2 Faulty motherboard or one of its components.
1-2-1-3 Faulty motherboard or one of its components.

1-2-2-1 Keyboard controller failure.

1-2-2-3 BIOS ROM error.

1-2-3-1 System timer error.

1-2-3-3 DMA error.

1-2-4-1 IRQ controller error.

1-3-1-1 DRAM refresh error.

1-3-1-3 A20 gate failure.

1-3-2-1 Faulty motherboard or one of its components.

1-3-3-1 Extended memory error.

1-3-3-3 Error in first 1MB of system memory.
1-3-4-1 Error in first 1MB of system memory.
1-3-4-3 Error in first 1MB of system memory.

1-4-1-3 CPU error.
1-4-2-4 CPU error.

1-4-3-1 BIOS ROM shadow error.
2-1-4-1 BIOS ROM shadow error.

1-4-3-2 Level 2 cache error.
1-4-3-3 Level 2 cache error.

1-4-4-1 Faulty motherboard or one of its components.
1-4-4-2 Faulty motherboard or one of its components.
2-1-1-1 Faulty motherboard or one of its components.

2-1-1-3 IRQ failure.
2-1-2-1 IRQ failure.

2-1-2-3 BIOS ROM error.

2-1-2-4 I/O port failure.
2-1-3-2 I/O port failure.

2-1-3-1 Video system failure.
2-1-3-3 Video system failure.

2-1-1-3 IRQ failure.
2-1-2-1 IRQ failure.

2-1-2-3 BIOS ROM error.

2-1-2-4 I/O port failure.

2-1-4-3 Video card failure.
2-2-1-1 Video card failure.

2-2-1-3 Keyboard controller failure.
2-2-2-1 Keyboard controller failure.
2-2-2-3 Keyboard controller failure.

2-2-3-1 IRQ error.

2-2-4-1 Error in first 1MB of system memory.

2-3-1-1 Extended memory failure.
2-3-3-3 Extended memory failure.

2-3-2-1 Faulty motherboard or one of its components.

2-3-2-3 Level 2 cache error.
2-3-3-1 Level 2 cache error.

2-3-4-1 Motherboard or video card failure.
2-3-4-3 Motherboard or video card failure.

2-3-4-1 Motherboard or video card failure.
2-3-4-3 Motherboard or video card failure.
2-4-1-1 Motherboard or video card failure.

2-4-1-3 Faulty motherboard or one of its components.

2-4-2-1 RTC error.

2-4-2-3 Keyboard controller error.

2-4-4-1 IRQ error.

3-1-1-1 I/O port error.
3-1-1-3 I/O port error.
3-1-2-1 I/O port error.
3-1-2-3 I/O port error.

3-1-3-1 Faulty motherboard or one of its components.
3-1-3-3 Faulty motherboard or one of its components.

3-1-4-1 Floppy drive or hard drive failure.
3-2-1-1 Floppy drive or hard drive failure.
3-2-1-2 Floppy drive or hard drive failure.

3-2-1-3 Faulty motherboard or one of its components.

3-2-2-1 Keyboard controller error.

3-2-2-3 Faulty motherboard or one of its components.
3-2-3-1 Faulty motherboard or one of its components.
3-2-4-1 Faulty motherboard or one of its components.

3-2-4-3 IRQ error.

3-3-1-1 RTC error.

3-3-1-3 Key lock error.

3-3-3-3 Faulty motherboard or one of its components.

3-3-4-1 Faulty motherboard or one of its components.
3-3-4-3 Faulty motherboard or one of its components.
3-4-1-1 Faulty motherboard or one of its components.
3-4-1-3 Faulty motherboard or one of its components.
3-4-2-1 Faulty motherboard or one of its components.
3-4-2-3 Faulty motherboard or one of its components.
3-4-3-1 Faulty motherboard or one of its components.
3-4-4-1 Faulty motherboard or one of its components.
3-4-4-4 Faulty motherboard or one of its components.

4-1-1-1 Floppy drive or hard drive failure.

4-2-1-1 IRQ failure.
4-2-1-3 IRQ failure.
4-2-2-1 IRQ failure.

4-2-2-3 Faulty motherboard or one of its components.
4-2-3-1 Faulty motherboard or one of its components.
4-2-3-3 Faulty motherboard or one of its components.
4-2-4-1 Faulty motherboard or one of its components.

4-2-4-3 Keyboard controller error.

4-3-1-3 Faulty motherboard or one of its components.
4-3-1-4 Faulty motherboard or one of its components.
4-3-2-1 Faulty motherboard or one of its components.
4-3-2-2 Faulty motherboard or one of its components.
4-3-3-1 Faulty motherboard or one of its components.
4-3-4-1 Faulty motherboard or one of its components.
4-3-4-3 Faulty motherboard or one of its components.

4-3-3-2 IRQ failure.
4-3-3-4 IRQ failure.

4-3-3-3 Floppy drive or hard drive failure.
4-3-4-2 Floppy drive or hard drive failure.

3-Beep Codes

1-1-2 Faulty CPU/motherboard.

1-1-3 Faulty motherboard/CMOS read-write failure.

1-1-4 Faulty BIOS/BIOS ROM checksum error.

1-2-1 System timer not operational. There is a problem with the timer(s) that control functions on the motherboard.

1-2-2 Faulty motherboard/DMA failure.
1-2-3 Faulty motherboard/DMA failure.

1-3-1 Memory refresh failure.

1-3-2 Failure in the first 64K of memory.
1-3-3 Failure in the first 64K of memory.
1-3-4 Failure in the first 64K of memory.

1-4-1 Address line failure.

1-4-2 Parity RAM failure.

1-4-3 Timer failure.

1-4-4 NMI port failure.

2-_-_ Any combination of beeps after 2 indicates a failure in the first 64K of memory.

3-1-1 Master DMA failure.

3-1-2 Slave DMA failure.

3-1-3 Interrupt controller failure.
3-1-4 Interrupt controller failure.

3-2-4 Keyboard controller failure.

3-3-1 CMOS error.
3-3-2 CMOS error.

3-3-4 Video card failure.

3-4-1 Video card failure.

4-2-1 Timer failure.
4-2-2 CMOS shutdown failure.

4-2-3 Gate A20 failure.

4-2-4 Unexpected interrupt in protected mode.

4-3-1 RAM test failure.

4-3-3 Timer failure.

4-3-4 Time of day clock failure.

4-4-1 Serial port failure.

4-4-2 Parallel port failure.

4-4-3 Math coprocessor.

The Return of Pan

Day 6

Day 5

Day 2

The REAL day 1

Saving myself or saving others?

One thing...

Living for myself...

Mead = good

Day 3 pt 2

Day 3

Day 2 pt 4

Day 2 pt 3

Day 2 pt 2

Day 2

One year later (almost)

Fuck the solicitors...

Selfishness

Random blah

Fate: shitting on the good ones

Two years ago...

Yet another "normal" Friday

Up Diarrhea Drive

I'm back, bitches!

6 days til Yule...

lolspeak; another way to celebrate stupidity...

Schizoid

*bend Vista over, insert Red Alert disc*

Run bitch, run!

No more gChat for Mr Pan...

No more gChat for Mr Pan..?

Bowling, singing and pulling! (and "The Thrush")

Love hurts

No more gChat for Mr Pan...

Time to look again...

Waiting for change

Binaural Beats

Man flu

The Cost of Health

Hit me with your rhythm sticks!

Anonymous Users

Kill me...

I admit that I'm wrong...

Antispore

Spore is "the work of the devil" (apparently)

Anal Cleavage Decent

Zzzzzzz...

Sodding alarms...

Kaz and the morning

Can't handle it

By the skin...

More on Kaz

Update on the Update on the Kaz...

Update on the Kaz!

A PROPER update!

Busy times in the office...

Too funny...

Browsing to destruction...

Where have I been?

Finding the right words...

Nice Guys Come Last...

BIOS Beep Codes - Detect your Bios errors

bend Vista over, insert Red Alert disc