Saving myself or saving others?

Did a big thing today and cleared out a load of people from my friends list on Facebook. I did it not because I dislike them, but because I don't wanna fill up peoples news feeds with negativity.

If anyone does ask, please explain this to them.

Pan
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

Living for myself...

...something which I feel I'm not doing.

I feel so limited by our situation. I'm trying to stop myself from thinking things like "I can't wait until we can afford to..." as that's normally followed up by something very expensive which we would've been able to afford when we were working, but obviously with things the way they are, those wishes will NEVER be achieved.

Which brings on the next question:

If I can't live for myself, what's the point?

Yeah, I'm doing a great thing caring for Kaz, sticking by her through all of the crap we've suffered, going against my promise to myself about never having a kid, but when I don't seem to be getting anything from it (as in being able to do things that I enjoy), then what's the point?

It's kinda like having a job that you don't really like, but you do it because you have to work, but at the end of the month you don't actually get a salary for it. Therefore, there's actually no point in doing that job, is there?

Lots of people have been telling me to focus on myself, do the things I like to do, but that's exactly the problem; I can't...

Am I just starting to be selfish now? (not a rhetorical question, would really appreciate some response from this)

Two years ago...

Well, what can I say? Two years ago I had just been recently dumped by Kate (tried to get in touch with her a few times just to see how her nursing is going but no response there...), forcing the three-way to be ended, had no idea where I was going at all. Was working in Snopake, if I hadn't already moved over to RW Communications by then.

Now I'm in Deptford, got a lovely little flat with Kaz... and that's about it at the moment. She's not working, I'm signed off with stress (and gods know when I'll be going back), got f**k all money, her health is getting worse, mine's also getting worse as a result. It just all seems to be going "Pete Tong" (yet a-bloody-gain).

Even though a lot has changed since then - friendships have come and gone, families have been broken and restructured again, friends passing on - it really doesn't seem like it.

Yeah, I'm in a different environment, yeah, I've got my (*coughs* OUR! *coughs*) own place, but I still don't really feel as if I've achieved much. Yes, my stress is a hell of a lot better, I'm smoking less than I used to, but all of that seems kinda... I dunno... mundane? Inconsequential? Dunno the word I'm looking for but basically (apart from the union with Kaz) there doesn't seem to be a whole lot of change or happiness.

Possibly (probably) being distracted by all the negative shite, but even still...

I just want our chance to be happy. I want our nice little place in the country, a car, a couple of dogs and cats. I'm not asking for much, I just want to be able to actually RELAX for once, instead of worrying about this and that.

I know everyone has worries and fears in life, but to the extent of "is she ever going to be well again"? It seems sickeningly ironic that me and my sister are in pretty much identical situations (her husband is critically ill, no-one knows exactly what's wrong with him, and it could go either way without any warning at all, same as Kaz) yet still can't/aren't talking.

My rents told me that now whenever Lee is suffering (which he has been a hell of a lot recently) that Cathy's off of work. Exactly the same as me. We don't know how things will go with Lee's problem at all. Exactly the same as with Kaz. We're both struggling to carry on living normal lives, yet we still don't talk to each other.

There's something fundamentally wrong there. Fuck what happened in the past between us. I don't give a shit. The fact that I haven't even had a single conversation with Cathy about my fears etc. Hell, we haven't had a single decent conversation for YEARS!!!

I'm really hoping we can sort it out soon as it's obvious we can share something. Yeah, it's not a happy subject but fuck it, I'll take ANYTHING to try and rebuild bridges.

Building bridges; the forefront of my life...

And I've just realised that this is a really depressing post, so I'm gonna end it here before I have people reaching for the bleach!!

Up Diarrhea Drive

Those of you who know our current situation know that it's not a

happy one.

I'm (not so) quietly going mad here. I'm not the sort of person who

can just sit by idly whilst problems get worse and worse, yet

apparently that's the only thing I can do at the moment.

I can't stop myself from panicking, from freaking out about

possibilities. It seems like the only fix will take at least a couple of

months to actually happen, and I really don't know if I can last that

long.

I can't understand how some people can remain so fucking calm

throughout major problems like this. How do other people do it?

I could use the time to go out and do some photography, but my

mind can't focus on "pretty things" whilst it's screaming at me about

our current problems. I can't get over the fact that there's literally

nothing we can do. It makes me feel sick.

If anyone can suggest ways to keep my mind occupied (and it's gotta

be REALLY occupied) then please pass them forward.

Yours freaked,

Pan

I'm back, bitches!

Yes, that's right!

For some reason my work has decided that it would be a good idea to release blogspot.com from their blocked list on the proxy server.

Fuck knows why, but hey, I'm not going to complain!!

So what's been happening? In the long and short of things, not much... Not much at all... Kaz is still getting over her liver problems, I'm still striving to do more magick (and hopefully will be doing some at the end of the month!), Gary's still coming round ours quite frequently (which is cool).

Got a new 360 as well 'cause of the disc drive in mine going FUBAR - quite fun doing GTA4 in the same room with someone! Also recently got PGR4 and DiRT (as recommended by Jon Potts), and they're fucking awesome games! I may do a review on them later - if I can be bothered..!

Also installed Shozu on my mobile to upload photos and vids straight to Flickr; very useful tool and avoids having to upload via a PC or laptop each time!

Speaking of Flickr, loads more pics there and I've also started to organise them into sets.

Follow the link below to view my photos!

http://www.flickr.com/photos/misterpan/sets/

Also went on Facebook for a little while a couple of days ago - been fucking AGES since I've used that. Needless to say my session on there mosty comprised of taking the piss out of Fish, but then again what else is new? *grins*

Oh yes!

Last bit of exciting news (and Gemma, I'm sorry for screaming about this but I'm REALLY excited); I'M GOING TO SEE QI GET RECORDED ON MY BIRTHDAY!!!

HELL YEEEAAAHHHHH!!

:D

Pan

6 days til Yule...

... and I've done sod all Pagan-wise pretty much all year.

This could also explain what's missing from my life. I know that I was a lot happier when I used to be with the other Pagans/Wiccans, doing meditations, practicing skills and even just generally hanging out with them!

I must vow to myself to be a "better Pagan" next year. I really do want to do more esoteric stuff, try to get more control over my mind and spirituality.

Fingers crossed, eh?

lolspeak; another way to celebrate stupidity...

Technically I think this should also go onto "screamingpan" as well because this will turn into a rant...

What the living FUCK is this "lolspeak" all about?

I did a search on Google images this morning for "mouse" and saw a picture from "icanhascheezburger.com"; one of these stupid effing "lolcat" pics...

Which got me researching (damn you Google!!) into the whole lolcat/lolspeak phenomenon.

And after reading through several posts and sites explaining what it all means, I'm still left with saying "What the FUCK is that all about?!".

Take this for example. These messages were left on icanhascheezburger.com against a picture of a ginger cat, not looking very impressed with a blue and white checked bow around its neck with the caption "DEATH... Wears a cute little bow".

And these are some of the messages;

"Lukk owt hyooman"

"We awl waitin foar new poastwif bayted bref!Toona bayted purrhaps?Happee nawt sekund to U!"

"Kittehz do nawt need eggstra dekurashun"

"an iz werrin…GING HAM?? o yz, sumwun IZ gonna dii foar dis!!"

Is this what we get for living in a world where Teletubbies are allowed to exist? Several generations (I have checked some of the profiles and there are people in their THIRTIES typing like this) of society communicating in grammatically nightmarish ways?

And we wonder why kids these days are stupid? Try taking a look at yourselves...