Day 6

Wasted a beautiful day (hottest of the year so far) driving to and from King's College Hospital for an appointment which was apparently two and a half hours before the time we thought it was.

I think I did pretty well keeping calm, considering the traffic and heat.

Also discovered that having energy drinks whilst in the early stages of taking antidepressants really doesn't help! Crashed harder than usual and rather than just physical it was mental as well.

And last bit of 'fun'; Kaz's parents have decided (again) that they're not coming to the wedding. Getting soooo tired of this. Wish they'd make up their minds.
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Day 5

I've got inspiration to do things but my drive is diminishing even more. Highly infuriating as mentally I want to get on and do creative stuff, but my body is saying "I'm too tired/cant be arsed".

Eg. Started reading about UnrealEd again as have recently started playing Unreal Tournament again and want to design more levels. Have many ideas of things I want to try out, recreating known local places, trying out skyboxes (something I still haven't properly mastered) but as much as I want to do it, I just can't drag myself to doing it.

Long!!!
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Day 2

Kinda flat most of today. A couple of laughs. Minor tricks of the eye, eg seeing a cat where there wasn't one, clothes hanging on a chair looking like a person for a second.

Old school PC gaming and a bit of Dead Rising 2 seemed to help as a thing to concentrate on.

Still feel massively tired. Hopefully I get a good lay in tomorrow.
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The REAL day 1

Went to the GPs, been prescribed Fluoxetine Hydrochloride, aka Prozac. Apparently the next three weeks will be shitty hell but then I should start feeling a bit better.

Will try to post daily with updates, more for my own records so I can look back in the future and *hopefully* see an improvement.
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Saving myself or saving others?

Did a big thing today and cleared out a load of people from my friends list on Facebook. I did it not because I dislike them, but because I don't wanna fill up peoples news feeds with negativity.

If anyone does ask, please explain this to them.

Pan
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One thing...

That's all I asked for, one thing: to not have to go out go get dinner as I'd been running around like a dickhead for fuck knows how long and just wanted one evening in relaxing.

What happened?

I had to go out and get dinner.

Yes, she's ill. Yes, she's in pain, but that's why I run around for her. Just one tiny, little thing I wanted her to do and she wouldn't do it. I hate to use the word but "selfish" comes to mind...

Living for myself...

...something which I feel I'm not doing.

I feel so limited by our situation. I'm trying to stop myself from thinking things like "I can't wait until we can afford to..." as that's normally followed up by something very expensive which we would've been able to afford when we were working, but obviously with things the way they are, those wishes will NEVER be achieved.

Which brings on the next question:

If I can't live for myself, what's the point?

Yeah, I'm doing a great thing caring for Kaz, sticking by her through all of the crap we've suffered, going against my promise to myself about never having a kid, but when I don't seem to be getting anything from it (as in being able to do things that I enjoy), then what's the point?

It's kinda like having a job that you don't really like, but you do it because you have to work, but at the end of the month you don't actually get a salary for it. Therefore, there's actually no point in doing that job, is there?

Lots of people have been telling me to focus on myself, do the things I like to do, but that's exactly the problem; I can't...

Am I just starting to be selfish now? (not a rhetorical question, would really appreciate some response from this)