I thought it was normal to analyse everything people said, to analyse what I said/did in every situation before, during and after. I thought it was normal to try to preplan conversations to ensure that "the right thing" was always said.
I thought that because I could do it so quickly and fluidly, this was a normal part of social interaction, something that everyone does. Only recently has it come to light that this is in fact not the norm.
Everything everyone says has two or more meanings with me. Everything I say I try to ensure only has one meaning, but when reviewing I find all different ways to read into what I said, be it directly or reading between the lines.
Had a few interactions with very dear friends of mine which have left me reeling in my mind. All I want is some confirmation that I haven't totally messed things up. For me, no reply is as bad as saying "You're an idiot and I never want to speak to you again", even though I know logically in my mind that this isn't the case.
Sometimes in silences I come up with random facts, just to fill the gaps, for fear of uncomfortable silences. So often I feel like I want to talk but have no idea what to say. I open Messenger, click on a friend and stare at the screen for ages before finally closing it again without saying a word.
Apparently this is social anxiety. I don't like social anxiety.