Saturday, 8 August 2015

Overanalysing

I thought it was normal to analyse everything people said, to analyse what I said/did in every situation before, during and after. I thought it was normal to try to preplan conversations to ensure that "the right thing" was always said.

I thought that because I could do it so quickly and fluidly, this was a normal part of social interaction, something that everyone does. Only recently has it come to light that this is in fact not the norm.

Everything everyone says has two or more meanings with me. Everything I say I try to ensure only has one meaning, but when reviewing I find all different ways to read into what I said, be it directly or reading between the lines.

Had a few interactions with very dear friends of mine which have left me reeling in my mind. All I want is some confirmation that I haven't totally messed things up. For me, no reply is as bad as saying "You're an idiot and I never want to speak to you again", even though I know logically in my mind that this isn't the case.

Sometimes in silences I come up with random facts, just to fill the gaps, for fear of uncomfortable silences. So often I feel like I want to talk but have no idea what to say. I open Messenger, click on a friend and stare at the screen for ages before finally closing it again without saying a word.

Apparently this is social anxiety. I don't like social anxiety.

Tuesday, 29 March 2011

Saving myself or saving others?

Did a big thing today and cleared out a load of people from my friends list on Facebook. I did it not because I dislike them, but because I don't wanna fill up peoples news feeds with negativity.

If anyone does ask, please explain this to them.

Pan
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

Monday, 28 March 2011

Living for myself...

...something which I feel I'm not doing.

I feel so limited by our situation. I'm trying to stop myself from thinking things like "I can't wait until we can afford to..." as that's normally followed up by something very expensive which we would've been able to afford when we were working, but obviously with things the way they are, those wishes will NEVER be achieved.

Which brings on the next question:

If I can't live for myself, what's the point?

Yeah, I'm doing a great thing caring for Kaz, sticking by her through all of the crap we've suffered, going against my promise to myself about never having a kid, but when I don't seem to be getting anything from it (as in being able to do things that I enjoy), then what's the point?

It's kinda like having a job that you don't really like, but you do it because you have to work, but at the end of the month you don't actually get a salary for it. Therefore, there's actually no point in doing that job, is there?

Lots of people have been telling me to focus on myself, do the things I like to do, but that's exactly the problem; I can't...

Am I just starting to be selfish now? (not a rhetorical question, would really appreciate some response from this)

Friday, 21 August 2009

Two years ago...

Well, what can I say? Two years ago I had just been recently dumped by Kate (tried to get in touch with her a few times just to see how her nursing is going but no response there...), forcing the three-way to be ended, had no idea where I was going at all. Was working in Snopake, if I hadn't already moved over to RW Communications by then.

Now I'm in Deptford, got a lovely little flat with Kaz... and that's about it at the moment. She's not working, I'm signed off with stress (and gods know when I'll be going back), got f**k all money, her health is getting worse, mine's also getting worse as a result. It just all seems to be going "Pete Tong" (yet a-bloody-gain).

Even though a lot has changed since then - friendships have come and gone, families have been broken and restructured again, friends passing on - it really doesn't seem like it.

Yeah, I'm in a different environment, yeah, I've got my (*coughs* OUR! *coughs*) own place, but I still don't really feel as if I've achieved much. Yes, my stress is a hell of a lot better, I'm smoking less than I used to, but all of that seems kinda... I dunno... mundane? Inconsequential? Dunno the word I'm looking for but basically (apart from the union with Kaz) there doesn't seem to be a whole lot of change or happiness.

Possibly (probably) being distracted by all the negative shite, but even still...

I just want our chance to be happy. I want our nice little place in the country, a car, a couple of dogs and cats. I'm not asking for much, I just want to be able to actually RELAX for once, instead of worrying about this and that.

I know everyone has worries and fears in life, but to the extent of "is she ever going to be well again"? It seems sickeningly ironic that me and my sister are in pretty much identical situations (her husband is critically ill, no-one knows exactly what's wrong with him, and it could go either way without any warning at all, same as Kaz) yet still can't/aren't talking.

My rents told me that now whenever Lee is suffering (which he has been a hell of a lot recently) that Cathy's off of work. Exactly the same as me. We don't know how things will go with Lee's problem at all. Exactly the same as with Kaz. We're both struggling to carry on living normal lives, yet we still don't talk to each other.

There's something fundamentally wrong there. Fuck what happened in the past between us. I don't give a shit. The fact that I haven't even had a single conversation with Cathy about my fears etc. Hell, we haven't had a single decent conversation for YEARS!!!

I'm really hoping we can sort it out soon as it's obvious we can share something. Yeah, it's not a happy subject but fuck it, I'll take ANYTHING to try and rebuild bridges.

Building bridges; the forefront of my life...

And I've just realised that this is a really depressing post, so I'm gonna end it here before I have people reaching for the bleach!!

Thursday, 13 August 2009

Up Diarrhea Drive

Those of you who know our current situation know that it's not a
happy one.

I'm (not so) quietly going mad here. I'm not the sort of person who
can just sit by idly whilst problems get worse and worse, yet
apparently that's the only thing I can do at the moment.

I can't stop myself from panicking, from freaking out about
possibilities. It seems like the only fix will take at least a couple of
months to actually happen, and I really don't know if I can last that
long.

I can't understand how some people can remain so fucking calm
throughout major problems like this. How do other people do it?

I could use the time to go out and do some photography, but my
mind can't focus on "pretty things" whilst it's screaming at me about
our current problems. I can't get over the fact that there's literally
nothing we can do. It makes me feel sick.

If anyone can suggest ways to keep my mind occupied (and it's gotta
be REALLY occupied) then please pass them forward.

Yours freaked,

Pan

Wednesday, 15 April 2009

I'm back, bitches!

Yes, that's right!

For some reason my work has decided that it would be a good idea to release blogspot.com from their blocked list on the proxy server.

Fuck knows why, but hey, I'm not going to complain!!

So what's been happening? In the long and short of things, not much... Not much at all... Kaz is still getting over her liver problems, I'm still striving to do more magick (and hopefully will be doing some at the end of the month!), Gary's still coming round ours quite frequently (which is cool).

Got a new 360 as well 'cause of the disc drive in mine going FUBAR - quite fun doing GTA4 in the same room with someone! Also recently got PGR4 and DiRT (as recommended by Jon Potts), and they're fucking awesome games! I may do a review on them later - if I can be bothered..!

Also installed Shozu on my mobile to upload photos and vids straight to Flickr; very useful tool and avoids having to upload via a PC or laptop each time!

Speaking of Flickr, loads more pics there and I've also started to organise them into sets.

Follow the link below to view my photos!

http://www.flickr.com/photos/misterpan/sets/

Also went on Facebook for a little while a couple of days ago - been fucking AGES since I've used that. Needless to say my session on there mosty comprised of taking the piss out of Fish, but then again what else is new? *grins*

Oh yes!

Last bit of exciting news (and Gemma, I'm sorry for screaming about this but I'm REALLY excited); I'M GOING TO SEE QI GET RECORDED ON MY BIRTHDAY!!!

HELL YEEEAAAHHHHH!!

:D

Pan

Monday, 15 December 2008

6 days til Yule...

... and I've done sod all Pagan-wise pretty much all year.

This could also explain what's missing from my life. I know that I was a lot happier when I used to be with the other Pagans/Wiccans, doing meditations, practicing skills and even just generally hanging out with them!

I must vow to myself to be a "better Pagan" next year. I really do want to do more esoteric stuff, try to get more control over my mind and spirituality.

Fingers crossed, eh?