Two years ago...

Well, what can I say? Two years ago I had just been recently dumped by Kate (tried to get in touch with her a few times just to see how her nursing is going but no response there...), forcing the three-way to be ended, had no idea where I was going at all. Was working in Snopake, if I hadn't already moved over to RW Communications by then.

Now I'm in Deptford, got a lovely little flat with Kaz... and that's about it at the moment. She's not working, I'm signed off with stress (and gods know when I'll be going back), got f**k all money, her health is getting worse, mine's also getting worse as a result. It just all seems to be going "Pete Tong" (yet a-bloody-gain).

Even though a lot has changed since then - friendships have come and gone, families have been broken and restructured again, friends passing on - it really doesn't seem like it.

Yeah, I'm in a different environment, yeah, I've got my (*coughs* OUR! *coughs*) own place, but I still don't really feel as if I've achieved much. Yes, my stress is a hell of a lot better, I'm smoking less than I used to, but all of that seems kinda... I dunno... mundane? Inconsequential? Dunno the word I'm looking for but basically (apart from the union with Kaz) there doesn't seem to be a whole lot of change or happiness.

Possibly (probably) being distracted by all the negative shite, but even still...

I just want our chance to be happy. I want our nice little place in the country, a car, a couple of dogs and cats. I'm not asking for much, I just want to be able to actually RELAX for once, instead of worrying about this and that.

I know everyone has worries and fears in life, but to the extent of "is she ever going to be well again"? It seems sickeningly ironic that me and my sister are in pretty much identical situations (her husband is critically ill, no-one knows exactly what's wrong with him, and it could go either way without any warning at all, same as Kaz) yet still can't/aren't talking.

My rents told me that now whenever Lee is suffering (which he has been a hell of a lot recently) that Cathy's off of work. Exactly the same as me. We don't know how things will go with Lee's problem at all. Exactly the same as with Kaz. We're both struggling to carry on living normal lives, yet we still don't talk to each other.

There's something fundamentally wrong there. Fuck what happened in the past between us. I don't give a shit. The fact that I haven't even had a single conversation with Cathy about my fears etc. Hell, we haven't had a single decent conversation for YEARS!!!

I'm really hoping we can sort it out soon as it's obvious we can share something. Yeah, it's not a happy subject but fuck it, I'll take ANYTHING to try and rebuild bridges.

Building bridges; the forefront of my life...

And I've just realised that this is a really depressing post, so I'm gonna end it here before I have people reaching for the bleach!!

Up Diarrhea Drive

Those of you who know our current situation know that it's not a

happy one.

I'm (not so) quietly going mad here. I'm not the sort of person who

can just sit by idly whilst problems get worse and worse, yet

apparently that's the only thing I can do at the moment.

I can't stop myself from panicking, from freaking out about

possibilities. It seems like the only fix will take at least a couple of

months to actually happen, and I really don't know if I can last that

long.

I can't understand how some people can remain so fucking calm

throughout major problems like this. How do other people do it?

I could use the time to go out and do some photography, but my

mind can't focus on "pretty things" whilst it's screaming at me about

our current problems. I can't get over the fact that there's literally

nothing we can do. It makes me feel sick.

If anyone can suggest ways to keep my mind occupied (and it's gotta

be REALLY occupied) then please pass them forward.

Yours freaked,

Pan